It’s hard to believe that the Schmitzer Family Reunion weekend is upon us. I am so excited. I am so exhausted. I am so simultaneously ready and not ready. What a beautiful paradox!
Life has been insane this summer. If I had the words to tell you what has been going on in my life and in my heart, I’m not sure you would even believe me. I’ve been lost in a universe of emotions, it seems. Have I always been so emotional?
I have. I always will be. I feel big emotions. It is (for better or for worse) one thing I really do love about myself: I feel. So when my sister in law tells me she is pregnant again, I don’t just feel happy; I am overcome with joy and excitement. And when she tells me she miscarried, I’m more than sad; I am crushed. It has its own advantages and disadvantages, but the struggle has never outweighed the blessing.
Still, for my many (and enormous) emotions, I have always considered myself a rational person (except once when someone erroneously called me irrational; that was not a pretty scene to behold; he repented). Just because we feel something strongly doesn’t mean we are inevitably governed by that feeling.
But folks? The past few months have found me on my face, weeping into the keys of my piano. I feel raw. I feel vulnerable to infection (spiritually, emotionally), like an open wound, throbbing and desperately needing to be cleansed and bandaged. And if you asked me what was wrong, I’m not sure I would even know where to begin. Cookie? The Night of the Fire? Overload at work? My sister in law’s miscarriage? Finances? My truck? My family unknowingly speaking words of judgment on a friend who means a lot to me? My own inability to deal with the misconceptions the community has about my niece’s adoption? Secrets that I’m tired of carrying but can’t let go of? The toilet seat?
I wouldn’t even know where to start. The truth is–it doesn’t matter. Life is messy. “Where there are no oxen, the stables are clean.” Right? All of things things–big and small–are part of some grander scheme whereby Christ is drawing me closer to Him. And maybe some of it needs to be discussed; but I know much of it just needs to be silenced.
So am I ready for the Family Reunion? Am I ready to spend a day with long lost family?
I am ready. Ready for joy. Ready for laughter. Ready for the safety to cry. Ready for Uncle John’s garage get-together. Ready to see the fields of Frankenmuth. Ready to be silenced with embrace. Ready to honor the memory of my great grandpa’s daddy, Johann Michael Schmitzer–who was supposed to die, and lived somehow.
I am ready.
Thank The Lord for Family Reunion weekend!