What’s on my heart

What’s on my heart?

What’s on my heart.

What’s on my heart. Hrm.

So many things. Since it’s after midnight, I’ll try to keep it brief.

  • Theology of Music. I really want to read this book by Jeremy Begbie. Really. How can I justify paying $21 for a book when my list of “to-reads” now exceeds the number of unmatched socks in my dresser? And how can I justify adding another book to the list when I have Wesley and Spurgeon still waiting on me? I need better habits about reading in general; I especially need better habits about reading books pertaining to Theology and Music (and even more, books about how those two things are related).
  • My job is going well. I’m facing new–but certainly not unwelcome–challenges. I think I’m growing.
  • My niece calls birds “butts.” I know that’s totally unimportant, but…it’s hilarious. Tweet! Tweet! Oh–it’s a butt!
  • My sister-in-law (she who shall remain both nameless and H-less) completed her degree in Criminal Justice this past weekend. It was such an honor to be at her graduation and see her receive that degree. She has worked so hard, and I am immensely proud of her. You know, there are those people who don’t seem to realize how big their obstacles are–they just run and jump. They give it all they have. That’s her. I so admire that tenacity in her.
  • My sister invited my mom and me to a Hymns Conference this summer. Uhm…a million times YES. I don’t know yet if I can get the time off of work or if I can even afford to go. It’s not super expensive–actually, it’s not expensive at all. It’s just a matter of figuring out whether I have the extra money. I need to have the extra money. Listen, folks, if I don’t invest in my obsession with hymns and theology…who will?
  • I need to get cracking on my Christmas project. ARG. Can you say “you’re in WAY over your head, Sar”??? Yeah. I am.
  • Grappling with the big issues facing our culture (don’t even want to acknowledge them for fear my blog will self-implode from everyone coming and telling me what to think). It just seems to me…we have to find better solutions. We have to dig deeper. We have to commit to honesty.
  • Finally resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to marry or have children. Is it a hard truth? Sure. But…perhaps it’s better to accept a hard truth, than to allow yourself the fantasy of denial. I don’t know. The sooner I accept it, the sooner I can get on with doing whatever it is God wants me to do. I’m tired of wasting time. I’m tired of feeling defined by this one area (or lack thereof) of my life.
  • Still stuck on Chapter 5. Still struggling to write Kharana. She is tricky. I don’t like her. I don’t want her to behave the way I’m going to let her behave. I’m just not sure I can write it. Seriously considered axing her from page 1 and trying to write a story with no Kharana. Would it work? Absolutely not. We must have a Queen.
  • I miss Jenn. I need to talk with Jenn.

There you have it. There’s what’s on my heart. Now…I’m going to pry my contacts from my dry, weary eyes, curl up under my rainbow quilt (thank you, Sissstor), and read one chapter (one…only one) of Tozer before I go to sleep.



Driving Without Headlights

It was 3am and I couldn’t sleep. Again. So I stepped out onto the back deck. I was amazed at how light it was. The moon had cast that pale light upon the world, as if to invite us to some sacred night festival. And for half of a second, I thought of Rich, and battled the temptation to go driving without headlights. Instead, I contented myself to walk through the yard, soaking up the beauty and goodness of the moonlight. Still, in honor of Rich, I leave you with this video today.

Long Lost

What are your long lost passions?

A long lost friend (who shall remain nameless) asked me recently what my song lyrics are looking like lately. It shocked and embarrassed me.

It shocked me because…nobody really asks me that anymore. Well, John asks what I’ve been doing with music, but he doesn’t specifically ask about lyrics. It just struck me as awkward, and then I remembered that there was a time when many friends and family were asking (regularly) what I was doing with songwriting. It shocked me that this friend asked; and it shocked me that I was shocked.

And then I was embarrassed to realize that I have allowed this once profound passion of mine to simmer on the back burner of my not-very-demanding life. Did I used to love songwriting? Why had I stopped?

Oh, I wrote one this year…about the coffee guy. Kind of. But that was in January. How dry and uninterested I’ve been since then.

My 2:43a.m. resolution is to write a song tomorrow (well, today).

And as a side note, if you’re one of the people I’m writing letters to this week, I may just share the lyrics with you and ask for your opinion.

What are your long lost passions and dreams? Why have you abandoned them?

Insomnia Diary: The World & Desires

2:36 A.M.

If you want something more out of life than the average American, it’s going to require more of you.

It may mean greater sacrifice.

It may mean more difficult decisions.

It may mean incredible standards.

It may mean biting your tongue.

It may mean saving more money.

It may mean forgiving those who don’t (or can’t) acknowledge they’ve hurt you.

It may mean turning off the internet.

It may mean trying something you’ve never dared to try.

It may mean giving some things away.

It may mean reading more; or sleeping less; or writing letters even when they are unanswered; or learning Hebrew; or learning to garden; or learning to swim; or losing weight; or getting your passport; or sponsoring a little boy or girl in another country; or committing more; or committing less; or re-establishing the idea of a Sabbath for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health; or confessing sin; or (heaven forbid, but here I go…about to say it) fasting; or wearing second-hand jeans; or political activism; or honesty when honesty is difficult.

It may mean a lot of tears.

Only you can decide whether your desires, your dreams, your passions and convictions are worth so much trouble.

2:46 A.M.