What’s on my heart

What’s on my heart?

What’s on my heart.

What’s on my heart. Hrm.

So many things. Since it’s after midnight, I’ll try to keep it brief.

  • Theology of Music. I really want to read this book by Jeremy Begbie. Really. How can I justify paying $21 for a book when my list of “to-reads” now exceeds the number of unmatched socks in my dresser? And how can I justify adding another book to the list when I have Wesley and Spurgeon still waiting on me? I need better habits about reading in general; I especially need better habits about reading books pertaining to Theology and Music (and even more, books about how those two things are related).
  • My job is going well. I’m facing new–but certainly not unwelcome–challenges. I think I’m growing.
  • My niece calls birds “butts.” I know that’s totally unimportant, but…it’s hilarious. Tweet! Tweet! Oh–it’s a butt!
  • My sister-in-law (she who shall remain both nameless and H-less) completed her degree in Criminal Justice this past weekend. It was such an honor to be at her graduation and see her receive that degree. She has worked so hard, and I am immensely proud of her. You know, there are those people who don’t seem to realize how big their obstacles are–they just run and jump. They give it all they have. That’s her. I so admire that tenacity in her.
  • My sister invited my mom and me to a Hymns Conference this summer. Uhm…a million times YES. I don’t know yet if I can get the time off of work or if I can even afford to go. It’s not super expensive–actually, it’s not expensive at all. It’s just a matter of figuring out whether I have the extra money. I need to have the extra money. Listen, folks, if I don’t invest in my obsession with hymns and theology…who will?
  • I need to get cracking on my Christmas project. ARG. Can you say “you’re in WAY over your head, Sar”??? Yeah. I am.
  • Grappling with the big issues facing our culture (don’t even want to acknowledge them for fear my blog will self-implode from everyone coming and telling me what to think). It just seems to me…we have to find better solutions. We have to dig deeper. We have to commit to honesty.
  • Finally resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to marry or have children. Is it a hard truth? Sure. But…perhaps it’s better to accept a hard truth, than to allow yourself the fantasy of denial. I don’t know. The sooner I accept it, the sooner I can get on with doing whatever it is God wants me to do. I’m tired of wasting time. I’m tired of feeling defined by this one area (or lack thereof) of my life.
  • Still stuck on Chapter 5. Still struggling to write Kharana. She is tricky. I don’t like her. I don’t want her to behave the way I’m going to let her behave. I’m just not sure I can write it. Seriously considered axing her from page 1 and trying to write a story with no Kharana. Would it work? Absolutely not. We must have a Queen.
  • I miss Jenn. I need to talk with Jenn.

There you have it. There’s what’s on my heart. Now…I’m going to pry my contacts from my dry, weary eyes, curl up under my rainbow quilt (thank you, Sissstor), and read one chapter (one…only one) of Tozer before I go to sleep.

Pax!

Sarah

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10 thoughts on “What’s on my heart

  1. Just a few things….

    1. I miss you too.

    2. You shouldn’t miss me too much, I left you and your mom some cheesecake.

    3. If you don’t want to have a character behave a certain way, I could ghost write for you.

    And there you have it. Perhaps we should do something outdoors like this weekend if the weather is nice.

  2. “Finally resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to marry or have children. Is it a hard truth? Sure.”

    1Co 7:32 – 33 But I want you to be without care. (S)he who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how (s)he may please the Lord. But (s)he who is married cares about the things of the world—how (s)he may please her spouse. (Amended)

    While my Bible is not gender neutral, there remain many universal truths that apply to all of God’s children. We frequently see a married man or woman with children compromising either their ministry or family responsibilities trying to reach an effective balanced life. In retrospect they bemoan their choices and hope others will learn from their mistakes.

    The loss of a child or spouse in a 3rd world mission field is devastating. The rebellion of “PK” pre-teens seems commonplace these days. In our circle of churches both above events have recently occurred.

    Jewish Biblical traditions aside, Paul has it right.

    Barnes comments: “A single person is more fit to encounter with and endure persecutions, is freer from the cares of life, and more at liberty to wait upon the Lord, and give up himself to His service.”

    Listen carefully, Sarah – His will is critical for your life. Not news to you, I am sure. A human retrospective confirms our choices, but then it is frequently too late to change.

    • Dave, as always, you offer great perspective. I won’t argue with you (there is no point, because I agree with all you are saying), but I will offer a short reply.

      However, I want your perspective on something. I was speaking with another single Christian woman that I know, and she suggested that part of the problem is our society and culture–not necessarily that God wills for us to be single. She feels that marriage is the norm, that it is right and natural to desire marriage, that there are few people truly called to the single life. What do you think about that?

      • Hi Sarah,

        I know a few people- both men and women- who have made the single life work for them. I don’t if they wanted a single life, but they have made the “best of it” through mission work and support for those who are in the mission field.

        I thought that I would end up single for life. When my wife and I got married, I was thirty-nine and she was thirty-five. There was a need for children, and, when we didn’t have biological ones, we adopted.

        But the truth of the matter is- at least as far as I see it- that being married is often not what it’s cracked up to be. For some it works… for others it doesn’t work as well. But don’t use this as a discouragement. As you get older, it may be wise, as one gets settled in one’s ways, one must find someone that is settling in harmonious ways.

        Speaking of “harmonious ways”, so many people think they need to find someone who is singing the same tune. My advise is, especially as one gets older, find someone who is harmonious with your ways. It’s easier, and it might broaden the field a bit.

        Shalom!!!

        Steve

        • If God wills for me to marry, He is going to have to accomplish it. In honesty, as much as I have always desired a husband and children, I don’t have much hope in the Christian culture as it currently exists; and I have even less hope in Christian marriages. As you aptly pointed out–too many get married and find that it’s not what they expected. A good, healthy, RIGHT marriage…can only happen by God’s design.

          But being single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, either. Especially in this day and age. There is, in my experience, a very real problem of fellowship for single Christians. Hanging out with married couples is fine sometimes, but it can be awkward; and singles of the opposite sex assume that if you want to be friends it means that you want to marry them.

          And…there are (in my opinion) a whole slew of misconceptions that the Church is feeding Herself about single Christian adults. It’s ridiculous. But just like the other difficult discussions facing our culture, we mostly ignore it because it makes us uncomfortable to talk about.

          Further, as a woman, there’s an issue of Headship. I could write an entire blog series on this matter. I’ll leave it alone here.

          The worst part, though, Steve Ward…is that I’m not making the “best of it.” I don’t know what God wants from me or for me. If I did…if I were pursuing some calling, some passion…so furiously that I knew I was doing His work…maybe being single wouldn’t bother me so much. But I don’t. I’m not. I’m just struggling to exist each day. And I haven’t a clue what God desires of me.

  3. “The worst part, though, Steve Ward…is that I’m not making the “best of it.” I don’t know what God wants from me or for me. If I did…if I were pursuing some calling, some passion…so furiously that I knew I was doing His work…maybe being single wouldn’t bother me so much. But I don’t. I’m not. I’m just struggling to exist each day. And I haven’t a clue what God desires of me.” -Sarah

    I understand the feeling all too well. It only stopped for a couple of years after I got married. Now, I feel just as useless- like a dusty tool on a shelf waiting and hoping to be used by the maker in even the smallest way. On the Crhistian radio stations, there are a lot of songs about “going home”. That seems to be the only thing I can do anymore. But waiting makes me feel like “God please use Me!” and “What I suffer through would have more meaning if it were for Christ instead of my own foolishness!”
    That which I used to enjoy doing, I no longer do. I merely exist in a foreign world, waiting and wanting so much to go home.

    Shalom!!!
    Steve

  4. Sarah/Steve

    We used a motto in street ministry among the “homeless” in NYC many years ago. They were so distracted by their various overwhelming habits that complex decisions regarding daily life frequently became impossible. Please do not think I place you both in the same level of addiction, but the answer regarding the discovery of God’s Will for us all may be applicable.

    GOD CAN’T STEER A PARKED CAR !

    Five times in Psalms and Isaiah we are urged to “Wait on the Lord.”
    Barnes reminds us that “it does not imply inactivity, or want of personal exertion. Instead of sinking down in despair, instead of giving up all effort, we should go forward in the discharge of duty, putting our trust solely in the Lord.”

    Action is always better than reaction. Proactive decisions usually bring results – not always what we are looking for, but results, nonetheless. Retrospective vision is 20 – 20. You will know it was the right decision when you arrive, rarely before. This is the true meaning of trust.

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