Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been having dreams. Awful dreams. Recurring, awful dreams. Isn’t it odd how dreams can be awful, even though nothing necessarily awful might occur in them? Somehow, you wake up knowing that something awful was happening, or was about to happen.

The first dream was one I’d actually had several years ago. I was fleeing from men in black. They didn’t have guns or any kind of weapon that I could see, but I knew they were trying to kill me.  I went all over town trying to find a safe place to hide, but everywhere I went–they were there.

In the second dream, I was in our old church–Glad Tidings. There was a line of us walking, like we used to line up and walk into the sanctuary for our New Kids concerts. We were lined up all the way out to the parking lot. I was about 100 people into the line. They opened the doors and pushed many of us into the sanctuary, ending with me, and then closed the doors again. The sanctuary was a room full of wooden chairs and tables. We were told to sit at a table, so I found the last seat in the back corner and sat down. There was nothing on the tables except a white feather at each place. I heard an alarm sound, and the door was locked, and I realized then that we were being killed. The heat became unbearable. It seemed we were melting right where we sat–like the wax on a candle that is soft and melted, but still has its form. I tried to move, and realized that I was stuck to the chair. And I thought–”I have to find some plain yogurt.”

This is crazy, because…some time ago, I had a dream about being on an ore boat where there was a tragedy; a group of kids had somehow burned and were stuck to their seats, and my attempt to help them was the same thing–I tried to find plain yogurt. How bizarre!

In the last dream–the only one that has been a good dream–I was standing on the shore of a clear water. There were two islands offshore, one close and one farther out. I was with a good friend of mine, and we swam to the close island. There was a man there who tried to sell me a bathing suit, which I declined, since I’d already swam in my clothes. He insisted that I could not swim on to the other island unless I bought this bathing suit, but I refused to buy it. My friend stayed there on the island, she loved it. There were many people there–including two girls I knew as a child, Suzie and Nikki, whom I’m sure were in this dream for a reason–and they were preparing for a big celebration that night–a bonfire, music, dancing, etc. But I looked out toward the other island and just felt that it was calling to me. So I went alone, swam to the other island. Along the way, these beautiful, vibrantly colorful fish would swim up next to me and brush against me. It was almost as if they were speaking to me. They seemed happy. When I arrived, the island was deserted, but full of growth. It was so green. I laid down on the grass, and was happy.

But in the midst of all of this dreaming, and repeating of these dreams over the past several nights, I have not felt well-rested; I have awoken frightfully and suddenly; I have not been able to fall asleep.

I am very, very tired. But I cannot sleep.

Hence, I am blogging at 5:14AM.

Still, I will go and try again.

Pax Christi.

semmie.