Empty

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s all psychological. I’ll be honest—I’m just empty. I’ve run out of steam. I feel like I push myself hard for work, for family, for friends, for everyone and everything. It is rewarding in its own right, but what I’ve failed with is finding a balance in life where I can chase after the things that make me “me.”

We are all under the same plague. You have no more hours in a day than I have. But somehow, I have felt those hours slipping—wasting—away from me, precious moments that cannot be recaptured, opportunities unpursued. I have lost something crucial to myself, and I am struggling to find it again. I am praying about it more than I want—it’s difficult to admit (yes, even to my Creator) that I care so much about this, about my life. I like to fancy myself self-less and unconcerned about self’s pursuit. Yet, I remain—aching for time and space to enjoy and to become the person God created me to be. I feel so foreign to myself! It’s not supposed to be this way.

So I return to the basics, the things I need: Music. Writing. Study.

I have to make time for these things in my life. I feel good when I do. I feel rotten when I don’t. It’s as simple as that.

So today, I return to Komae. Someday, I promise you, I will finish this story. It’s just as much about my own Becoming, apparently, as it is about the characters’.

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6 thoughts on “Empty

  1. Sarah……What a gift you have. This is written so beautifully.
    I think what you need to remember is to take time for you…and you alone. It does help. Never feel empy..you have so many people that love you….Like me.
    I know days get difficult, but with faith anf trust in our lord, you can do great things. I believe in you, but most of all you hjave to believe in yourself.
    Sincerely and with love and pride
    Cindy

    • Thank you, Miss Cindy. I need to work on finding that balance more. I know that I cannot give the best of myself to others unless I keep myself balanced, strengthened by the things I enjoy. Love you, woman!

  2. Hi Sarah,

    Cynthia is right, and I love you, too. We have all been at the crossroads in our lives, and have felt sort of overlooked by God for some reason. Talk to Him; tell Him your dreams and desires, and ask if it wouldn’t conflict with His plans to have your heart’s desires. (as If He didn’t already know them ;-) But always remember “Not my will, but Your will be done.” Often we find out -sometimes too late- we don’t have because we don’t ask. Place your cares on Him, for He cares for you. Always, when you venture out, trust in Him.

    Shalom!!!

    Steve

    • Thank you, Steve. I appreciate your words, your prayers, your love. You have been a great friend and brother to me. I am thinking about this idea: Asking God for the things we desire. I always fall to a fencepost position on this type off thing. I believe that God wants us to tell Him our dreams and desires, and that He wants to give us good gifts and blessings; but I also believe that life is about so much more than getting what we desire. And…I’ll just be honest with you…I feel like this is one aspect of my prayer life that has been disappointing: I have asked God for my heart’s desires, and have known the frustration of not receiving those desires. So…was it not God’s will? Did I ask with the wrong motives? I don’t know. But…for the sake of the respect I have for you and your faith…I will practice this once more. I will try to talk more with God about my desires and ask Him about some of them. I’ll let you know how it turns out. :)

      Pax!

  3. Do us all a favor, Sarah, check with your MD for iron deficiency anemia and hypothyroidism – you could be experiencing either or both.

    By Mayo Clinic staff

    Initially, iron deficiency anemia can be so mild that it goes unnoticed. But as the body becomes more deficient in iron and anemia worsens, the signs and symptoms intensify.

    Iron deficiency anemia symptoms may include:

    Extreme fatigue
    Pale skin
    Weakness
    Shortness of breath
    Headache
    Dizziness or lightheadedness
    Cold hands and feet
    Irritability
    Inflammation or soreness of your tongue
    Brittle nails
    Fast heartbeat

    Unusual cravings for non-nutritive substances, such as ice, dirt or starch
    Poor appetite, especially in infants and children with iron deficiency anemia
    An uncomfortable tingling or crawling feeling in your legs (restless legs syndrome)

    By Mayo Clinic staff

    The signs and symptoms of hypothyroidism vary widely, depending on the severity of the hormone deficiency. But in general, any problems you do have tend to develop slowly, often over a number of years.

    At first, you may barely notice the symptoms of hypothyroidism, such as fatigue and sluggishness, or you may simply attribute them to getting older. But as your metabolism continues to slow, you may develop more obvious signs and symptoms. Hypothyroidism signs and symptoms may include:

    Fatigue
    Sluggishness
    Increased sensitivity to cold
    Pale, dry skin
    A puffy face
    Hoarse voice
    An elevated blood cholesterol level
    Unexplained weight gain
    Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
    Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
    Muscle weakness
    Brittle fingernails and hair
    Depression

    When hypothyroidism isn’t treated, signs and symptoms can gradually become more severe. Constant stimulation of your thyroid to release more hormones may lead to an enlarged thyroid (goiter). In addition, you may become more forgetful, your thought processes may slow, or you may feel depressed.

    My forte for 35 years. If you see your MD regularly, forget it !

    But I’m praying it is not a simple (but not so simple) spiritual attack

    Dave

    • Dave, I do have an appointment with my doctor to discuss the possibility that there is a medical/physical reason for this recurring emptiness I’m feeling. It would not surprise me, to be honest–I’ve had depression in the past, and I’ve had an iron deficiency; and hypothyroidism runs in my family. One (or more) of these may very well be part of the problem.

      And…it may just be stress. My family (and I) have been through a lot of battles in the last year…and a half…or two (I don’t know, I guess I’ve forgotten, because it’s been going on for so long). I have not been good about balancing the good things in my life with the struggles. As I said–it’s something I am going to work on.

      But…thanks for the reminder. Honestly, I am suspicious of my thyroid at this point. But in these parts, with the limited daylight, a little extra Vitamin D couldn’t hurt, either.

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