What Is It You Seek?

One of my dreams last night led me to a garden island with a clear river dividing it north to south and a small pool at the very center. I knew the water couldn’t be very deep, but somehow I was certain that if I fell in, I would be lost in its depths forever. A woman (at least, I think she was a woman) stood behind me, taller than any person I’ve ever seen, and thin.

“What is it you seek?” she asked.

“My heart,” I replied.

She touched my chest and I could feel my heart burn inside of me, as if it were melting at her touch.

“I know it is there,” I said. “I don’t know what it is.”

She touched my chest again, and I almost couldn’t stand the feeling that my melting heart was trickling down through my body. She left me then, and I was alone at the pool. But somehow, I knew what I had to do. I ripped open my chest and pulled out my heart–which was not a heart, but a red gem. I laid the gem into the shallow pool, and the clear water dissolved into red.

And then the red water became an image that was ever-changing. It was a melody. It was a scent. It was a word. It was a flower. It was a teacher. It was a student. It was a family. It was a book. It was passion. It was sleepless.

On and on the image changed, until the water calmed back to its normal color and the red gem that was my heart tumbled out of the water and to my feet. The woman was beside me again.

“What will you do with it?” She asked.

I was afraid, so I woke up.

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7 thoughts on “What Is It You Seek?

  1. So, Sarah, what will you do with your heart? This dream seems to have a lot of meaning to it, but only you know what that is.

  2. OK, some random guesses here.

    You are the garden island, and you have the river of life flowing through you, pooling in the middle before the water continues on.

    The pool of his presenc appears shallow and not dangerous, controllable, smooth and safe, but you know that if you fall completely into his presence you might never come back to the life you now know.

    I think the woman represents the Holy Spirit–a nurturing mother and teacher who is so much taller in the things of God than you or I. Just like Jesus, she asks you what you want, because it is the hungry who are satisfied.

    Your answer is astounding. Deep inside your soul you know there is so much more to your heart than just having it beat. You want it to come alive in him, to have the John 17 promise fulfilled of him in you and you in him.

    God sees your heart as a ruby, precious and washed by him, but you know that’s not enough, You know you have to steep your heart in his presence, in his living water to see it come alive.

    His presence will make your melodies, your scents, your words, creation’s beauty, your love of teaching, your lvoe of learning, your love of family, your writing gift, and your passion come alive to never slumber again.

    I believe you know the answer to what the Holy Spirit asked you–Will you surrender everything, including your fear and self-preservation–in order to have him cause you to really live? Will you let yourself fall into his living water, his terrifying and furious love, and then take your new heart and live from it?

    • [pretend rant]

      OH YEAH?!

      WELL…WHAT’S IT TO YOU, HUH?

      [/pretend rant]

      Okay, seriously, though, Sally…I just understood this part of your bio:

      “I serve as a volunteer inner-healing counselor…in my home church.”

      Thank you, Sally. I am still perplexed about the fact that I ripped my heart out of my chest in the dream. As I read your words, it occurred to me that it was a deliberate act, not a symbolic gesture. I didn’t say, “Here is my heart.” I literally ripped open my chest and pulled it out. I have had such a hard time trusting God with the deepest parts of my life–my desires, my passions, my fears, the things that make me “me.” I know, intellectually, that I can trust Him with those things, but learning to allow Him deeper into my heart is going to take a deliberate action on my part.

      I think.

      • Bingo!

        So, Sarah, what will you do with your heart? I ask this as a friend, of course. Sallyhanan is right.
        To God, your heart is a precious gem, as you are a precious gem to Him. Find a quiet place to melt down- release all your cares on Him.

      • I fought with him for a year on that very same thing. I was afraid of losing myself if I surrendered everything; but you know, as it always goes with God, the moment I told him he could take it all, I finally felt that complete peace I had been looking for all along.

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