Dear Semmie

Clay and Water

by Margaret Becker

These days are passing over me at the speed of light

And standing here in their shadows, I’m silenced at the sight

Like water on the wind, I sense the change to come

All that I’ve held in, like teardrops, run

I am clay and I am water

Falling forward in this order

While the world spins ’round so fast

Slowly, I’m becoming who I am

Nothing ever stays the same; the wheel will always turn

I feel the fire in the change, but somehow it doesn’t burn

Like a beggar blessed, I stumble in the grace

Reaching out my hand for what awaits

I am clay and I am water

Falling forward in this order

While the world spins ’round so fast

Slowly I’m becoming who I am

Who I am

So I will live from my heart

And I will catch the lines of love as they come

Back to you, I know they’ll lead

And to you, I know I’ll cleave

I am clay and I am water

Falling forward in this order

While the world spins ’round so fast

Slowly I’m becoming who I am


**********************************************************************


Dear Semmie,

Change is inevitable, they say. I wonder that we perceive change as this monster that we must grapple with. Change is not something that drops upon us; change is not something we stumble upon; change is not here one minute and gone the next. No, change is all around us. Change is us. Change is what we are and what we do. It is fluid, always in motion, impossible to grasp in your hand, impossible to be free of. Change is not a situation or circumstance; it is a state of being.  We deceive ourselves into thinking that change is something that happens at certain times and not others. We are constantly changing.

Every word, every action, every thought, every choice we make is change. No, the question is not whether we are changing, but what we are changing into; what we are becoming.

I admit, I am unsure of what I am becoming.  In most regards, I feel as though I’ve been lost for the past eight years or so of my life. And I don’t regret it, because truly, I appreciate the experiences and lessons that these eight years have brought me, and I believe they happened for a reason. But suddenly, I find myself rushing toward the “old me,” pursuing what I used to love, shrugging off things that have consumed me. For example, I am spending more and more time with my piano and guitar; not just playing them, but loving them; composing; creating. It has been far too long since I’ve immersed myself in music composition. I have feared it for so long, for a number of reasons that are not worth mentioning in a blog. When I was in high school, you know, the main reason I decided not to study music in college was because I was afraid. My two big fears were that I would not be good enough, and that if I pursued a career in music, it would become a chore, rather than a passion–and I didn’t want to despise music in that way. But now I am finding myself amazed at such fears. Last week as I was writing to Jenny Greig, I had a startling revelation: People who are paid to make music, to teach music, to write music…these are lucky folks! I cannot imagine being so blessed as that! As it is right now, I am lucky to have the time to really enjoy music; but nobody’s paying me for it. Still, the whole process of thinking has evolved in me a desire to pursue music. I have even given thought to going back to school and studying music. Why not? What is it going to hurt?

Another reason I never wanted to pursue music at college was because I could not decide what I would do with it, or what program I needed. Today, I say–to hell with that! You don’t need to know all of the details of the future in order to prepare for it.  You simply need to begin preparing, and allow yourself to be changed and molded. And in my case, you don’t have to choose between Music, Music Therapy, and Theology of Music. You can pursue all three. Rather, you need to pursue all three. You start with Music. You start at NMU, if you must. You start foundationally, and then you build.

Becoming is not confined to big changes. It requires daily choices. So today…I will make music. Slowly, I’m becoming who I am.

Pax Christi.

semmie

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