Dreams

Not desires or pursuits, but dreams.

Two nights ago, I dreamed an odd dream. It was me. All I could see of myself was my head, shoulders, and hair. I wasn’t smiling or frowning; my face was expressionless and calm. My hair was down, which was odd, because I almost never wear my hair down anymore. I was against a light-colored backdrop of some sort. It looked like a soft and fuzzy blanket. And I was wearing red. The odd part of the dream is this: I was speaking. Now, I know this doesn’t make sense, but try to stay with me. It was as if my body were separate from itself. The part that was speaking was me, but I was seeing and hearing through a separate me, if that makes sense. It was as if I were having a conversation with myself, except only one me was speaking. Anyway, the me that was speaking was not speaking English, which is odd, because I don’t speak but a smidgen of French, and I don’t know any other language well enough to hold any semblance of a conversation. And more oddly, I didn’t recognize the language. If it had been Russian or Latin or Pidgin or Japanese, I would have recognized it. Are you ready for the really odd part? In the dream, the me that was being spoken to understood everything that the me who was speaking was saying–but the me that understood it, didn’t understand it in English. It wasn’t as if I heard it and thought of it in English; I just understood what the other me was saying. I will tell you, it was so calming and filled me with peace. It sounded like music to me.

That was two nights ago. Well, last night–or this morning, rather–I was having the same dream! The only difference was that this time, as I was listening to the other me speak, something was stinging on my left cheek. I kept reaching up to push it away. Whatever it was, it hurt. I grew very restless as the other me was speaking, and finally in a moment of panic, I woke up to find that Mullins (my cat) was laying on my side and was thumping her tail on my cheek to get me to pet her.

What are the chances that I would have the same dream two nights in a row? Does it mean something? Or was the second dream more of a memory of the first dream because I had been trying to figure out what the first dream might have meant?

And…does anybody else have odd dreams like this that make them feel as if they are supposed to know or do something, but they don’t know what?

God & Science

I don’t usually speak of science. When I do, I am outrageously aware of how unlearned I sound (and am). Don’t get me wrong, I have always been fascinated by the world around me; but I have never been a science buff. I don’t think I took science seriously until my freshman year of college, when I was forced to take Anatomy & Physiology with a Lab–which, ironically, I did very well in. But everything prior to that was so difficult for me. I often felt as if my teachers and my books were trying to teach me in Latin. Every once in awhile, something clicked for me, but mostly, I struggled through my science classes. I am not being overly dramatic or self-degrading by telling you…you know that old zinger? “I never get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man!” Well, I’m the unarmed man. Er, woman.

For that reason, I don’t usually challenge Atheists when they speak of science. It’s not that I blindly accept all they might say about evolution, the age of the earth, etc, but that I know my limitations. I am ill-equipped to debate this topic. Now, if you want to debate soteriology, okay! But science? Nuh-uh.

I don’t even usually think science, to be honest with you. There is something about my brain that just doesn’t connect with science, I think. Perhaps I have a child’s mind. I was recently writing at my desk, and as I paused to think a moment, my gaze was drawn to the candle burning gently there beside me. I watched and I wondered. I know there’s a very good explanation for fire, and I know it’s basic science, folks; but really–to me, it’s still just magic. For that reason, I just can’t argue about science and God. And as much as I want to believe they are not exclusive of each other, I admit that I usually just disregard science because it doesn’t speak my language.

But in the dark hours of this morning, as I stood on the back deck, bundled in my blanket and watching the Leonid Meteor Shower, I caught myself thinking two very distinct thoughts.

My first thought: How can anyone deny the science that has taught men to predict meteor showers like this?

My second thought: How can anyone deny God, deny the design and order of the world around us that has allowed men to learn the science to predict meteor showers?

Big questions in my heart and mind last night. But as I stood there shivering in the cold, watching with amazement as stars went shooting across the sky, I had to just stop thinking about it so much. So I sang–quietly, as it was 4am, and I didn’t want to disturb my neighbors–

Sometimes the night was beautiful

Sometimes the sky was so far away

Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close

You could touch it but your heart would break

Sometimes the morning came too soon

Sometimes the day could be so hot

There was so much work left to do

But so much You’d already done

Oh God, You are my God

And I will ever praise You

Oh God, You are my God

And I will ever praise You

I will seek You in the morning

And I will learn to walk in Your ways

And step by step You’ll lead me

And I will follow You all of my days

Some things never change. I hope you enjoyed the shower this morning, and that you were filled with the wonder and awe of it all.

Pax Christi.

Semmie

The Emotional God

Have you ever been called an “emotional” person? I have been. It always gives me pause when someone says that, because I have to think, “so, what? You don’t have emotions? Okay, super-human, un-feeling, freak-oid!” Of course, I would never say those things, but really? There are people who are not emotional? Come on! What they mean to say, I think, and are trying desperately to avoid saying so they won’t offend me, is that they are uncomfortable with my emotions, or they think I am governed somehow by these emotions.

Hey folks, if there’s one thing I’m not–it’s governed by my emotions. I feel enormous feelings, I won’t deny that. And I know that some of you secretly roll your eyes at my enormous attachment to my feelings. But I think it’s silly to be otherwise. Why would God give us emotions unless they were meant to be felt? And how often has our society taught us to ignore our emotions, just “suck it up” and not deal with what is right there in our own hearts?

And ironically, I think we serve a God who is emotional, as well. Last year, when I read Tozer’s Knowledge of the Holy, one idea I kept stumbling back upon was the reality that God is not any one thing. Everything that God is, is God. So when we deny that God is one way or another, it doesn’t just mean we are “mistaken,” it means we have an altered view of who He is. And not only that, but it skews our understanding of His other attributes. Consider God’s mercy. If God were not also a just God, then His mercy would mean nothing.

So do we paint an untrue image of God by acting as if He is entirely rational and unemotional towards us? If anything, God is a wild man. It’s what Rich Mullins called, “the reckless, raging fury.” The love of God. What kind of rational, unemotional being would commit the sacrifice for us that Christ has? None! It cannot be! It is because of His passion, His emotion, and His deep love for us that He paid that price.

So we could be brought back to Him. So we could know Him. So we could be His people and He could be our God.

Scripture describes Him as rejoicing over us with singing. Christ drove out the money changers from the temple. His anger burned against Moses. Christ sweat drops of blood. Jesus wept for Jerusalem. What are these if not emotional?

I am emotional today. And I thank God for it. My Mom’s Compassion child is from El Salvador, where hurricane Ida has left so many without basic things that we take for granted–clean water, electricity, hope. Shaun Groves shares an excellent blog–with some gut-wrenching images–about this. Please go and read it HERE. If your heart doesn’t lurch at the thought of such despair and need, then you might need to check your pulse. If you are able to help in any way at all, please consider doing so. We are having incredibly difficult times here in America, but sometimes I think we forget what Dash stated so well as a comment on my Veteran’s Day entry:

The worst of America often far outstrips the best of other nations in the world. I have had the privilege of traveling the world, and the honor of doing so in service to this nation. There is a reason why others in the world are willing to risk life, career and loss of family to come here.

God, grant us hearts that overflow with emotion for You and for Your Children all around the world. Teach us the gift of generosity, and the outrageous and glorious blessing of blessing others. Make us more like You. Bend our minds ever to recall Your faithfulness toward us, even when we are faithless. Fill our hearts with thankfulness for all You’ve done, even in our hours of struggling.

Pax Christi, all of you emotional people.

Sar.

Blue Jeans for Jenny

You forced my hand. I have to blog about it now.

Anyway, I’m not trying to be funny with all that “it is, but it’s not” stuff. I just didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag.

I learned this year how to make fabric-covered journals, which–I know–sounds kind of dorky. It’s actually cool as snot. But since I’m a journal freak, and I’m always telling my nieces and nephews to “write, write, write, write, write it down”, I decided I would make them each a blue-jean journal for Christmas.

Needless to say, the “tear holes in them” idea is probably not going to work.*

I have eight journals to make, for four girls and four boys. The girls’ are going to be easier, I think, because there’s a lot of pretty things you can do with jeans–painting and sequins, as you mentioned, also embroidery, etc. But what about the boys’? Even the two younger boys’ journals won’t be difficult, I don’t think–they have younger, more natural interests still, you know–ships, trees, et cet. But the older boys? Uhm…I’m at a loss.

My goals are:

• to use a belt buckle
• to use different colored jeans
• to stitch, paint, or design somehow each child’s name and the year on the cover
• to use a butt pocket
• to have some sort of lock/closure on each journal

Any ideas? I’d love some creative thoughts on this.

Pax Christi.

Sar

*I’m rethinking the holes. I might could make it happen…if I put another piece of material under the hole. The glue should be enough to keep the hole from fraying . Hmmmmmm. I think I might add this as a goal.

Veteran’s Day 2009

An excerpt from a letter:

It’s Veteran’s Day. Today we honor those who have defended freedom with their blood and lives, not only our freedom–yours and mine, but freedom for those living under great oppression all around the world. Somehow, we have always believed that life was valuable, and so we have struggled through tyranny and slavery and injustice and wars and poverty to protect life and freedom.

And yes, no doubt, we have made enormous mistakes as a nation; at times we have chosen sin outright. But we’ve always believed in redemption, too. A life of sin does not exempt us from goodness; a life of goodness does not exempt us from sin. At the end of the day, we’re all just the same. We all desire security, freedom, pardon.

America has always pursued these, not always to our credit, but always to our character. Can we take pride in our history of oppression towards Native and Black Americans? Towards women? Certainly these have been to our shame. But we can lift our heads high for having chosen as a nation to repent of these evils and choose justice. We can rejoice that ours has always been the nation to lead the way to justice and freedom. We can honor those men and women who have given all, even their very life’s breath, for this great cause. We can honor their sacrifices, big and small. Truly, these are heroes. Would that each one were given the honor and recognition due him!

But today in this once-great nation, we bicker about Health Care and Climate Change and which companies are “too big to fail.” Our freedoms slowly slip from our fingers, but most of us are too busy trying to survive this economic nightmare to notice; and many who do notice feel helpless to affect any change in this political mess of socialization.

Who will fight* for our freedom once again? Who will rise up and refuse to be silenced? Who will be that unquenchable flame that purges us of our cancerous follies? Who will dare to oppose tyranny and oppression once again? And when it is all said and done, what will history say of us?

Is there any hope for America? I believe with all of my heart that the principles and values this country was founded upon will be the very mercies that steady our nerves, set our feet firmly, and save the State.

God bless America.

Today, honor those who defend our freedoms. Thank a Veteran.

Many blessings to those who serve.

Pax Christi.

Semmie.

*This is not a battle of military or physical strength, of weapons and firepower; but of ideals and words, of pens and voices. I do not condone violence of a physical or verbal nature, and will not be held responsible for any moron who reads my words and acts out in violence, terror, or harm to any other.

Questions

Here are some questions on my brain lately.

• Is there a difference between Christianity and the Church? If so, what is it?
• What can I do to spice up some blue jeans?
• I haven’t changed anything in the way I make risotto, so why is my rice not as tender as the last time I made it?
• Why might the government want to commit more money for another Stimulus Package, when they haven’t even spent all the money from the first one? Where is the benefit in this?
• Is my resume too long?
• How much Vitamin D is too much?
• Why does it inevitably happen that when a friend falls in love, they sacrifice friendships?
• Will Arya and Sansa ever see their family again?

If you have the answers to any of these questions, please let me know. Excepting the last one, of course! I don’t want you to tell me what happens to Arya or Sansa.

I need to go and write now.

Pax Christi.

Semmie

A Psalm

Oh, my God, my loving Father
Oh, my Rock and my Salvation
Oh, my Strength and Fortress
I will wait for You

Lift these hands, I’ll give You my heart
Lift my eyes to see all You are
Lift my soul to know You, Lord
I will wait for You

(C)2008 Sarah Moore

I wrote this in 2008 after reading Psalm 59. I was so enraptured by the tone of the psalm that I wanted to write a short worship chorus that dealt with the idea of waiting for God, or “watching” for Him, as the Psalmist says. Nothing fancy, nothing spectacular, just a simple “I’m waiting” kind of song. I had forgotten about it, to be honest. I stumbled upon it tonight, as I tend to do with songs–they sit in a pile of song guts until some random moment when I pull it out and try to make sense of it. This one didn’t need attention, in my opinion, but I found after singing through it several times that I have a couple of beefs. I was hoping someone might shoot a thought in my direction regarding these two cows.

1. The first line. I’m not happy with “my loving Father” as a phrase for this verse. The first draft of the song used, “I wait for You” in its place–but it is one syllable short. I need a five-syllable phrase here. Any thoughts?

2. I’m not SURE, but I THINK maybe there should be a one-line refrain after each verse. My inkling is to repeat the line, “I will wait for You,” but I’m not sure. Another option might be, “I will sing of Your love.” I don’t have a melody for this one-line refrain yet, so there’s not really any parameter as to how it should flow, necessarily. I’d like something, obviously, that jives with the ideas in Psalm 59.

So…anybody feeling daring enough to offer suggestions?

Pax Christi.
Sarah

Sunlight

I recall one analogy that had a profound impact on me as a young person. It had been said that our own concept of righteousness was like a room with white walls, white linens, white carpet. Turning on the light, you may exclaim how clean and beautiful the room appears, but in the rays of morning that stream in warm from the window, even the tiniest blemish or stain becomes loud and garish.

This is an excellent portrayal of our need for a Savior. And not just our need for a Savior, but our need for His truth to stream in upon our lives and reveal the tiny flaws that we have been oblivious to in our created light. Truly, without Him, we cannot even recognize our sin.

I thought of this again today as I was driving home in the late afternoon sun. For the first time in several weeks, I donned my sunglasses to avoid the glare. I hate the glare. I hate the light. I’m a night owl. I’m a quiet, dark personality. But more than that, I am prone to light- and heat-induced migraines. In spite of this, as I neared the Crossroads, I felt a sudden urge to remove my sunglasses and soak in the light.  I squinted. It hurt my eyes. It warmed my face. It was a beautiful hurt.

I thought, too, about the winter sunlight, how the glare from the snow can be such agony, and yet how desperately we need it to warm our bodies and our land. Isn’t that the way it is with Truth? We hide from it because it ranges from annoying us to bringing us to our knees in debilitating pain. And yet, it is what heals us. It is what we need and what we crave.

And it occurred to me again how much I need the light of God’s presence to permeate the deep (and the not so deep) places of my heart, mind, spirit and reveal my sin. I am so in need of Him…more and more each day.

Is God’s light shining in your life? What does He reveal?

Pax Christi.

Semmie.

Callings & Calvinism

Every once in a random moment, I entertain once more the idea of determinism. I don’t know why it appeals to me so, but I take it to heart that it does. I could claim that I am open to Calvinism–which is true, or would be true if both my brain and my heart weren’t repulsed by the logical conclusions of Calvinism–but I do fall back on the assumption that congruism is a closer description of Truth. It should satisfy the Calvinist to know that I still weigh these matters, and I am willing for God to reveal to me where I err. As a Calvinist, you must accept, logically, that it is not God’s will that I embrace Calvinism today–otherwise, I would.

But I digress. The matter, truly, is settled in my heart. Yet every so often when I am struggling, I allow myself to play the “what if” game. I typically don’t think it wise to ask questions like that, particularly if you are struggling with your identity and existence. Still, sometimes even I break my own rules. Often, it leads to depression and frustration. But today, an extremely new thought occurred to me, and quite unsolicited it was!

It has been my experience that Calvinists don’t really believe in a “personal calling” the way that, say, an Arminian might. How bizarre is that?

Calvinists tend to attack any view that espouses libertarian free will because it makes man too important. I understand the concern, though I think it is largely unfounded. Calvinism, on the other hand, tries to boast in her humility and insignificance in the world. This is backwards! This is entirely opposite of the logical conclusion!

Consider it. If determinism is true, then your every footstep, every gaze, every sneeze is ordered by God. That means that you are here for a purpose. Of all the things God could have created you to be or do or choose, He created you thusly–and likely for a reason. You are part of a grander scheme; a thread in the tapestry. How is that for a “calling” or “purpose” in life?

Quite opposite, the Arminian must choose her path. If she chooses what God did not desire, how can it be said that there was a calling on her life? She is nothing. She is replaceable.

How ironic is that?

Thoughts, anyone? Have I missed some obvious point here?

The Future of the Church

What is the future of the Church here in America?

With all that is happening in our country, I suspect that we will see drastic changes in church as we know it. I’ve heard many ideas. Some seem to think the Church will see massive growth. Some seem to think the Church will drastically evolve into something more geared to our internet-based society. And some seem to think the Church is about to finally fade away like the Flat Earth.

I’m not sure that I agree or disagree with any of these views unless I am able to agree and disagree with all of them. How’s that for fence-posting a position? Ah, but isn’t that how it goes? Isn’t it true that reality is usually not extreme? It is usually that odd combination of several things that seem to oppose each other. For the record, that is why I’m a Molinist. Scripture seems to support the idea that juxtaposed truths need not falsify each other. So I agree and disagree with all of the above ideas of the Church.

So what do you think? As America crumbles from the inside out, what roll will the Church play? What will become of the Church?